Most of us mean to ask. We assume there will be time, and then one day the person who held all the answers is no longer there to ask. An afternoon with a few good questions is worth more than any amount of good intentions.
You do not need to work through all of these. Pick a handful that pull at you, sit down together, and let one answer lead into the next. The list is a way in, not a script.
- An hour, and a cup of tea
- A few of the questions below
- Ideally, your phone to record it
- No special skill at all
The questions
Read a few before you sit down, so they feel natural rather than read off a page. Then follow wherever the answers take you.
Childhood and home
Where did you grow up, and what was the house like? Who else was at home? Who were you closest to as a child? What did an ordinary day look like? What did the street sound and smell like?
Family and roots
Where does our family come from? What do you know about your own grandparents? Are there stories that were passed down to you? Is there anyone in the family we have lost touch with?
Growing up
What were you like as a teenager? Who was your best friend, and are you still in touch? What did you dream of doing? What knocked you off the course you thought you were on?
Work and getting by
What was your first job, and your first wage? What work are you proudest of? Was money ever tight, and how did you manage? Who taught you the most?
Love and family
How did you and Mum or Dad meet? What do you remember about your wedding day? What do you remember about the day I was born? What has surprised you most about being a parent?
Looking back
What are you most proud of? Is there anything you would do differently? What has made you happiest? What do you hope we remember about you?
Getting good answers
The questions matter less than how you listen. Three small things make all the difference.
Ask, then wait. The best answers often arrive after a pause, so resist the urge to fill the silence. Give them room.
Follow the feeling. When a face lifts or a voice softens, that is the real story. Set the list aside and ask them to tell you more.
Record it. Capture the voice, not just the words. Our guide on 
recording a conversation shows you exactly how, using nothing but your phone.
Common questions
What if my parent is private and does not like talking about themselves?
Start with the easy, factual questions rather than the emotional ones, and let them warm up. Old photographs help enormously. Many people who “don’t like a fuss” open up completely once they realise you genuinely want to know.
Should I tell them the questions in advance?
You can, and some people prefer time to think. Others give warmer, more surprising answers off the cuff. If in doubt, share a couple of the gentle ones beforehand and keep the rest for the day.
What if I have left it too late?
Then gather what you can from everyone else: the photographs, the letters, the other relatives. It is never quite as complete, which is exactly why it is worth asking now rather than one day.
